Left at Albuquerque

Duct tape is the fix it for it all, but if I wrap my life in duct tape I think I'd just be isolated that much more. Weird.

Stress: I think I have two stressed out modes
1. I flip out and can't handle anything and everything just seems to be going wrong.
2. I appear to be fine, but deep down I'm messed up. There is a lot on my plate and I can't handle it, but as far as anyone is concerned I'm fine.

The latter. I think that's me right now. Stressed out and no one knows. Not that that is a bad thing. I'm not sure I want people knowing, but that doesn't mean it isn't stressful. I guess that's why I'm mentioning it now. My brother's wedding is coming up and for the past few months I've been doing everything I could to save money. Then I had a couple of visits: Meghan, followed by Evan and Rob, and I may have spent too much. And for the past two weeks I've been playing the counting game (well it costs this much for this, I need to buy this, I need to pay for this and I'm only going to have this amount coming to me on the 15th). Fuck. I literally spaced out for a half hour at work on Friday and contemplated how I was going to be financially.

Funny things: Apparently I caught the sun really well with my chevrons on my uniform on Friday and a kid I know saluted me because he thought I was an officer. Ha. We both got a good laugh as soon as he got closer and recognized me.

Hope: This fall is exciting. First, Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. Second, Assassin's Creed II. As for Halo. I think I'm done. Maybe Reach, but as for ODST... umm, I pass. It looks too much like a game for a thirteen year old. Perhaps all the Halos looked like that. Regardless, I'm not thirteen anymore. Third, Splinter Cell. I've been wanting to play another Splinter Cell for a long time. I really hope you can be as stealth as before. If this comes out... I may need to buy a steering wheel and foot pedal set.

Lookout Now: Call of Duty clan. Bryan McAdams, Ryan Miller, Rob Keith, Evan Feringa, some more names here, and I are working up our DEAD clan. I'm hoping we can start playing some gamebattles games soon.

Writing: My last bits of writing have seriously been a four liner and a two liner. The two liner I think I have more, yeah, but it isn't written. I fail.

That's all for now. Don't make a left at Albuquerque unless you are heading West and want to go south.

Add Some Drawings.

Two for now. First one was drawn after watching Clerks II and during the Red Wings game. Second one was drawn just now.

That's all I really have for right now. I'm sick and tired and this week has just been wearing me out. Oh yeah, and my Xbox decided that it didn't love me anymore and decided to red ring. Dealing with that currently.

The Things We Do

So here I am in the bathroom. I turn on the water to the sink, and it feels like my phone vibrates in my pocket, so I reach in and pull the cellular device out. "Oh no," says my mind as I lose control and my one-year-old LG Chocolate v2 falls into the sink which has accumulated a decent amount of water. The phone begins vibrating immediately and stops all other functions. I remove the battery. Anytime I replace the battery it refuses to turn the phone on, but continues vibrating violently. Fuck. I go to the Verizon store. No insurance so I have to pay out of pocket for a new one. "Time for one of dem fancy touch screen phones," I say. Straight up, not going to lie. This phone is pretty badass. Thank you LG for continuing to make awesome phones. The Versa is exactly what I needed to upgrade to.

So that being said, let's move on. Meghan is coming to visit. I'm kinda nervous about that one. Last time we were around each other it was a little awkward. We didn't know how to act, how far to go and ended up just acting couple-y anyway. This should be different, but I'm still unsure about how it will actually go down.

Time for some poem input? Sure, why not. This one is digging back almost six months ago.

What She Says

“Don’t look at me like that,” she said,
“I feel so horrible and guilty.
Lost and trapped, scared and insecure.
Forgive me please, I can’t forget the nights.”
“It’s not your fault,” she says,
“But I can’t be with you.
Believe me I want to be yours.
I fight from calling you ‘baby.’
I struggle each day, not saying ‘you’re mine.’ ”

She cries in the night when she thinks I’m asleep
Her smile is a lie, when she says that she’s happy.
With a tear in her eye, she tells me she loves me.
“You’re the one for me,” she whispers to me.
“Maybe someday, years from now, it’ll work.
I don’t want to lose you; can we be friends?”

And on that day I fell to pieces,
A jigsaw pattern across the floor.
I’ll never be the same, put back together.
I’ll remain missing, behind my walls.

05/11/2009

In other news, my alcohol tolerance is going up. I drank an entire bottle of red wine last night. It was delicious and inexpensive. Definitely worth it.

Wanna Run with Scissors?


Well, that's about all I have for now. Wish this was a little more witty and fun, but ya-know, some things just don't work out how you plan. Enjoy the rest of May. I know I will, Veinte y dos on the 29th.

Gadgets

Ever since returning from Iraq I haven't found the need to blog. I return now to throw a few things out there so that, well so that they're in writing.

I'm back to playing video games at a good amount. That and drinking. Which are both probably in the "too much category", but when you're as bored as me than you must be boring and who would want to hang out with that. Exactly. To improve my gaming experience I've made some upgrades. I purchased a 32" LCD tv and a 1000 watt surround sound. Of course I didn't get it how I wanted it precisely, but oh well, close enough. Do I need the DVD player in my surround sound? No, yet I bought that one for some reason. Does my surround sound work when connected to my xbox? No, I still need to get a fiber cable to connect the two so that my back speakers will work. "The answer to today's over abundance of technology isn't fewer useless gadgets. It's more useless features and fewer usable gadgets." - Sarge (Red vs. Blue).

My writing has been steady... nothing good, just little lines here and there. Although my biggest problem with my writing is that I never go back and revise it. Almost everything I've ever written is a first draft, AKA could be better. I like my writing as a first draft, but I always intend to go back and rework it. I fail at this aspect.

Drawing? Nothing. It's like my artist side has just fallen off the map.

Drink of choice: Right now I could go for a captain and coke, that's what I had last night and I could really go for another one.

Everything else is meh. I just feel like cranking some Alkaline Trio, Motion City Sound Track, Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins and ignoring the world. Fuck It, I Just Might.

Dueces.

Home and in the States

***HEADS UP***
This Blog will be Detailing Emotions for a girl. If you don't want to read that, then only read the first and last paragraphs.
***HEADS UP***

Sometimes it just takes some time being away from something to notice how much you liked it, or really care for it. This time being home there was the least of nagging from my parents and the best of decisions. I can't live with them anymore. There would be no way in which I would enjoy that, but visiting. I can do visiting now. They have realized that I am a man and make my own decisions. It seems they see how mature I have become and leave me alone. Coming home this time has really opened my eyes to how accommodating my parents can really be. "Matt, we have a car for you to use when you get here... Matt we arranged to have dinner at such and such... Matt you should go see your friends and your time spending with them sounds really fun." That's something that I'm just not used to. I have to actually say, "Wow, I love my parents." It sucked growing up with them, but now that I'm not living under them and under their rules it has been much easier to be in their presence.

Being away from Meghan: Seven months is a long time away from a particular being that you really love and care about. Coming back to Michigan I was really unsure about what to expect. Part of me thought we were just going to get back together upon seeing each other. But the way that we have been acting, and the way we've been talking has just made sense. We aren't devoting ourselves to the other person. Not that we're dating now, but I'd say we definitely are in a category of more than friends. For sure "best friends." And yes, I have three best friends under the "best friends" category. She's leaving a door open with the possibility of a "get back together" and I think deep down we both want that to happen. However, for the mean time it seems best to become independent of each other. It's healthy.
Being away from her and severing that "Dating" label has really made me dig to find what I want. I have found that I really do care for her, and I really do want things to work out between us. But without her I have found that: I spent an unhealthy amount of time on the phone with her; I texted her too often about things I thought were important; I didn't use my other friends enough; I monopolized time at home with time with her.

Song of the Moment: Playground Love - Air

Sexual Tension: This doesn't have to be just about sex. I'm talking about the kissing too. Very interesting stuff. In this aspect people are hard to read. Thank god for girls who make the first move and know what they want, otherwise I'd be lost in the sauce. How would I have known kissing was acceptable? oh she kissed me, okay.

*Making out and feeling up boobs are a hand-in-hand concept for me. Lately, it is more of a per-request: you move my hand if you want it.

Unhealthy in a Relationship: calling so often that if one person doesn't get a call they are offended. calling so often that you feel you should call just to make sure the other person hears your voice. dropping hanging out with "real" people to talk over the phone.
-If I have a shitty day, I can handle it. I should not of bitched to my significant other.
-If I want to do something, I should make that decision. I should not look for approval in everything I do.

The good thing is that Megan and I both see the problems that happened, and we see the potential for them to arise again. We are both sensible adults and want to make the best decision.

Kissing: I love kissing. Making out is awesome.

Frustrating for me: I seriously still love this girl and I don't want to make a move towards anyone else. I'm sure if I was somewhere I could kiss another girl, but I doubt that I would allow myself to take it any further. Not that that is wrong, but I'm a twenty-one year old boy, shouldn't I be sexing everything in site? If she were to go to a graduate school on the east coast, I'm positive that a long distance relationship is not in the mix. Probability of me deploying again? 100% and I'm not sure that long distance relationship is likely. Believe me I want to make the relationship work, but it just seems that logically there is such a slim chance that it would happen. The way we've been talking about it seems like it would only happen if she went to grad school in Monterey, California. Ouch for me.

I've had some more reviews of my poetry and I'm starting to get really excited for the possibilities of more people reading it. It's a good emotional and stress release for me, but I'm never sure how other people are going to take it. Not guaranteed, but my brother told me I should send a few to the lead singer of his band and see if it doesn't get made into a song. I've never been to secure of my poetry. Who knows what will happen, but I'm open for any possibility.

Presenting Awards

Sometimes you just have to admire how it can be a game, or how it can be political. I thought it was about mission, but if you aren't kissing the right person's ass, you just won't be recognized. Perfect example: There were only a handful of us who busted our balls on the network out here in Iraq. I don't kiss ass, I'm a smart ass (example soon to follow). I am presented a simple, 'hey, you did a good job' because I had a Sergeant recognize that I can do my job. However, our shop Gunnery Sergeant was presented his second Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medal (NAM). What did he do out here, fucking nothing. In fact, he was more of a hindrance in getting the job done whenever he went out to 'help' us. He kissed our Lieutenant's ass and therefore was written up with the award.

In terms of being a smart ass: Iraq is the largest stand alone network in the world (previously mentioned and will be explained further later). We have basically two core switches / routers, twenty distribution switches / routers and over four hundred and fifty access switches, which in turn provide services to over twenty thousand users and all of that is at Al Asad. Hence, when a Colonel hands me a coin, the one my Sergeant wrote me up to receive, and mentions how I did a good job as a MIMMs NCO and that I worked on forty to fifty access switches ... that bothers me. And me being me, I can't let that go. So before I can filter the message my brain sends I slide in, "A few more than that, sir." Not in a disrespectful way, but in a way that everyone of higher rank in my shop has called me a smart ass for. I'm sorry, but no. You are wrong. Someone gave you bad information. It's over four fifty.

Giving a Presentation: I realize that drop outs and people that can't get into college are often the ones who join the Military, but that should not stop our High Schools from teaching their students how to properly give a presentation. I had three presentations today and they just happened to cover all the possiblities. 1st) Our Chaplain did it right. 2nd) Our Corps-woman did it wrong. She almost never referenced her slides, and talked about what needed to be covered. Use the slides properly. If you aren't going to say anything on a slide, then get rid of it. Only one in three slides were ever covered, even partially, and the rest were given her hand wave and 'Next'. 3rd) Our acting Company Gunny did it wrong. He never strayed from the slides. Not a single word. Not only that, but he would read the whole slide through and then pick key words or phrases from each slide and tell us what they mean. No shit. I guess I didn't realize that 'Getting Involved' meant interacting with my fellow Marines. The right way to present? The slides are there for an outline of your presentation and can also be used to demonstrate (graphs, pictures, videos). Otherwise, there is no reason to put a paragraph on a slide. Key words, phrases and sentences only (Like a Fucking Outline).

Enough bitching from me. I made a decision. I figure this deployment most likely won't be my last. Therefore, I purchased something I don't need. Oakley Sunglasses. I got them with the black lenses and black frames. I like them, and considering my brother's upcoming wedding, and also the way I dress, in general, I think they will add to my style.

Favorite Port-a-John Quote: Ladies, how does it feel going back to the US to be ugly again?

Favorite word describing a decent looking girl in Iraq: Iraq-able.
Use it in a sentence: Yep, I'd do her, she's Iraq-able.

And I'm done. I really wish I had a scanner. There are some drawings I'd like to upload. I guess those will just have to wait.

Things and Such

Movie to watch: Seven Pounds. It's really cool, though really sad. Really.

Ending a Deployment: All the bullshit you didn't have to deal with, just seems to build up. During the deployment it was, 'No, I can't give up five Marines to a working party to dig a trench. I have a network to run.' Well, maybe it's not that bad, but it seems we are trying to give our network over on a silver fucking platter. 'Hey we need to clean out all the drawers and rooms of everything we don't use so that they are good to go.' 'Let's reorganize all the fiber.' 'Let's move desks around.' Shouldn't we be turning over with the people replacing us? Not cleaning up for them? Tell me to teach them how to TFTP or XModem a switch IOS and I will. Have we, no. Why? Because we can make the bunker look pretty so that things are neat. Fuck that.

What else? Oh yeah, how about the concept of leftseat - rightseat (imagine driving a car). Turnover is two weeks long. One week we control the network and they look over our shoulders, and the next week we let them drive and we just help out if they fuck something up, or we give them hints on how to do it better. Nope, we're just going to rip the band-aid off at the last possible minute and when they have questions we won't be here to answer them.

That aside, getting ready to leave has never been sweeter. Maybe leaving boot camp. Don't get me wrong, this deployment wasn't bad. I love doing my job. In fact, now that I'm single I would re-deploy in two months and not care. Well, maybe a little care. I would miss the fast internet, the driving my car, the drinking alcohol, the having weekends, etc. The fact of the matter is, when I'm in CONUS (Continental United States) my job is nothing. I don't do jack. I only do my job in a deployed environment. So send me home, let me play for two months, then send me back out. If Afghanistan is next, to Afghanistan I go. Just don't put me on a convoy. Let me fix the switches, the servers, the routers, the printers, the computers, the cat5 lines. It's what I do and I'm fucking good at it.

Mood: Depressed

Women: Meghan is over me. That sucks. I'm not over her. My brain is rattled worse than ever before. I can keep focus whenever I need to, but in the moments where I day-dream or my mind wanders (considering I'm ADD this happens often) I tend to think of her, or events with her. It's sad actually. My stories went from, my girlfriend does this to - my ex-girlfriend did that. I sound pathetic.
-Example: Talking about cars. Sgt. Messerole says he has to purchase an automatic, but that the 'no clutch manual' is really cool. I guess that would work for him, but seriously though? Screw that. I've tried it. It's gay. You might as well just drive auto. No clutch, no dice. The comment I wanted to add in that I had to bite my tongue on, 'Well, if you were married to someone like my ex-girlfriend, then she would be able to drive a stick and you wouldn't have that problem.'

Movie I relate to: Gran Torino. I can recognize the houses and the streets of Detroit, and the credits roll on Lake Shore Drive.

Plans Upon Arrival in San Diego: Unpack what I need, get my car from TMO (if I can), go catch lunch at California Thai (delicious), unpack some more, go downtown and purchase a Freebord, check out Oakley's sunglasses at the Oakley shop on 5th Street, maybe grab a beer at a bar, get something good for dinner (perhaps Panda Express) and then go back to my room with a case of beer and drink with other people.

Method of Masturbation: Shower and a form of lubricant (shampoo, soap, etc) with mental thoughts of previous sexual encounters.

Additional Purchase: A scanner so that I can post my drawings.