A Good Vacation on a 24th Birthday

So, just for fun the Marine Corps has decided to give me three HIV tests this year.  Yes, it is the middle of June and I have already had three.  The first was for our Bahrain deployment... which still hasn't happened yet.  The second one was for the same deployment because they misplaced my first one and didn't have the results.  The third one is for my separation final physical.  Can we take the results from the one I just took two months ago?  Is this really necessary?


In other news:  I had an awesome time home for my 24th birthday.  My only wish was that more pictures could have been taken.  Evan was able to delay / the weather postponed Evan enough so that I was able to see him for a good chunk of my leave.  Between all the people I got to see again: Jake and his family, Evan, his girlfriend Katie (first time meeting), Rob, Mary Katherine, Erin, Kelsey, and whoever else I may be missing; we drank at the WAB (Woodward Avenue Brewery), Dragonmead, Garden Bowl, the Tap Room, people's houses, and even the center of Albion Campus.  Pretty impressive.


The eventful thing about today was my reaction to the possibilty of picking up Sargeant in July.  I knew it was probably going to happen in this next quarter (July - September), so it wasn't a shocker.  The surprising thing was that I care about making that rank.  I'm excited about it.  Mac and Carlson have been Sargeants for a while now, and I will be among them is what I can reason is why I am so excited.  I for sure do not like the Corps any more.  I am fully ready to get out and definitely not about to give any more time or effort than I currently have been into the job.  However, there is something... something that has caught my attention and made me excited.  Then again, that could be the girl that Mac has had me talking to for the past week.  who knows?

Tweaks

Watching Adjustment Bureau made me laugh about the politcal / dance implications with the relationship background.  It was like looking into a past relationship and getting slapped in the face.  Thanks world.

I'm definitely still writing.  I don't stop, I just don't have anything tweaked just right to put into a document I want to save.  For example, today I worked on a book that I'm determined to finish.  All I did was tweak the writing, no additional chapters or anything.


While laying back I got a flow of lines in my head.  I grabbed my book of poems and wrote the lines down.  From one thought I gathered some feelings about alcohol.  Reasons why I will probably indulge in marijuana again when it's not forbidden to use to the extent it is now.  I re-read what I wrote tonight, and it might explain why I drank a half a handle of whiskey this weekend, keeping a buzz throughout most of the weekend.  What I wrote goes like this:

Access to marijuana without repercussions is not worthwhile.  Therefore I turn to alcohol, which slows the brain from constantly thinking of the hypothetical, imagining the options, and looping the memories.  Alcohol eases the tension, loosens the tongue so that addled, riddled minds forget their place and speak freely.  Alcohol brings sleep, though not restful sleep, still sleep to those of us who toss and turn and cannot close heavy eyelids.  Alcohol prevents addled minds from driving us insane from not only lack of sleep, but the constant process thinking.

I do not know firsthand the effects of other drugs, worse than alcohol or marijuana.  But I do understand the stresses of life that leads us to relieving our minds of their unending processing.  I do not seek counsel, and do plan to slow my constantly thinking mind down.  Therefore, instead of making an ass of myself functioning "just fine", I can do the same thing from the effects of the drug.

5/10/2011

Anyway, besides searching for more and more music, I've been trying to expand out from my lifestyle.  I've been in a rut for almost two years now.  A rut I put myself into.  Sweet move Matt.  Tweak my lifestyle time.  Go!

Music

I've been listening to some good music lately.  Inspiration is almost there for a poem, I have some lines written down.  Anyway, wanted to get down the songs I have stuck in my head.


The Pixies - Where is my mind?
Bright Eyes - It's cool we can still be friends
The Decemberists - On the bus mall
Fountains of Wayne - Sink to the bottom
Bright Eyes - First day of my life
Lucky Boys Confusion - Anything, anything (I'll give you) [cover of Dramarama]
Thrice - Artist in the ambulance


The latest poem I wrote, (not counting the ones I have to tweak and get a few more lines for).

Confusion in My Mind

My head is caught in a slip stream

Or some sort of alternate reality.

Jaded paranoia haunts my sleep

And anxieties the rest of the day.

Every hour is the bane of my existence

Or clearly misery is my only business.

I lost sight on what you wanted from me,

And everything that once really mattered.

Now I must be closing faster on -

What was that? Maybe the darkness,

I can’t remember, and I forget,

And redundancy is a constant reminder.

I blame only you for your insanity,

And I blame you for the voices in my head.

My time is short before the walls collapse.

So return to me everything I ever wanted;

Starting with my mind.

Pixies have my mind.

I want to give back, to something that happens

To not exist, or was it ever really there?

I blame you for what you put me through,

And I blame your for my insanity.

February 14, 2011

There are a few songs you might be able to catch in this poem.  I mean, one is obvious.  Just happens to be the way I'm writing or something.  I'm unsure how I feel about continuing with the Jade / muse.  I know the muse concept won't leave me.

I'm getting excited to go home.  Since Bahrain is a shit-show and just not happening I'm jumping through hoops it feels like to get my life back on track.  Ugh, another time.

All Encompassingly

Lately it has been hectic as fuck.  I haven't had much time to myself.  I work, do homework, get maybe an hour here or there in for video games, and then am working on the comic with Evan.  That's going well though, we have 55 comics already and haven't missed an update day yet (soon to fail I'm sure).  I got trashed a few nights ago with Hamilton and we ended up staying up until 5am discussing life, attempting to watch a movie of some sort (with me constantly pausing it like I am prone to do when intoxicated), and I asked him to review some of my writing since he's a critical mother fucker.  As a result he pointed out that I have problems in some of what I consider "finished poems."  I thought Subdue the Rain was not only good, but I was thinking it was along the lines of one of my better poems in the 2007 - 2009 range.  He then and goes, "yeah that makes no sense" about one of the lines (that no one else wanted to critique me on) and then I decided I needed to change it.  So here is Subdue the Rain fixed:

Subdue the Rain

I couldn’t see you through the misty morning.

I could’ve sworn you’d be here when I woke up.

I guess I’ll wait for you ‘til evening,

On the back porch drinking from my cup.

The gravel driveway doesn’t crunch,

From the tires of your car.

The wind mimics your voice,

Saying my name from afar.

But it’s mostly this weather that’s keeping me down.

The fog that’s been rolling through,

Turned to a thunderstorm and it’s pouring,

And now that rain just won’t subdue.

That screen door still hasn’t opened.

I’ve been sitting all evening.

Putting to ash my last cigarette,

And it just won’t stop raining.

There’s no note of where you’re going,

Or when you might be back.

But the stars are all out now,

And I’m just going to hit the sack.

But it’s mostly this weather that’s keeping me down.

The fog that’s been rolling through,

Turned to a thunderstorm and it’s pouring,

And now that rain just won’t subdue.

Maybe you’ll sneak back in

Sometime late in the night.

I’ll try to keep on dreaming,

Hoping that you might.

3/14/2007

The first change is the "front porch" to the "back porch."  This places me farther away from where most people associate a driveway and therefore I can be more distant from the return of the lost love.  The second change is in the second verse.  It used to say:

The gravel driveway doesn’t crunch,
From the tires of your car.
I haven’t heard your voice in hours,
Saying my name from afar.

Three songs on repeat: Lucky Boys Confusion - Cigarette; Built to Spill - Car; Middle Class Rut - New Low.

I was on duty and the guy standing post with me decided to watch a conspiracy theory movie about 9/11.  I'm not much of one for that shit, but it is sometimes interesting.  The biggest thing that watching the movie provoked out of me was the stupid things that politicians do.  I think that every politician is corrupt because each one wants someone to like them, that's the only way to get elected, and then they run the country into the ground as a result.  Don't believe me?  Look at the increase in debt.  How does a country owe itself money?  That's like owing yourself money.  You can't do it.  Bail outs are a joke, and in general I think the whole thing needs to be redesigned.  The following is my summary of that (first draft):

New Indoctrination

I can’t seem to wrap my head around politicians.

The ways they perceive the world we live in.

Claiming to act in the best of interests,

And the equality we declare through feminists.

Each election I vote for the lesser of two evils:

Which one is worse, the devil or the sequel.

The times when the country is in a recession

A war is decided for which we seem destined.

Separation of church and state and legislation,

Yet with executive branch defining civil unions.

Who declares a time for organization

To provide an integrity check foundation.

It’s about time to correct structuralization

And begin a new indoctrination.

January 15, 2011

And finally, I was sorta part of a small family for like two or three months that comprised of, Jeff Dobbins, his wife Erin Dobbins, his sister Amber Dobbins, their friend Ashley Wright, and Daryl DesPault.  We were hanging out almost on a daily basis.  The whole thing kinda fell apart.  As a result came this poem which I wrote for Ashley:

Waiting

I was tossing and turning, it’s a quarter past two.

I can’t fall asleep, I wanted to message you.

But it’s late so I’ll leave you alone.

So I’ll write this down inside my phone.

When we do speak it’s discrete.

Something is making us incomplete.

Then again, I’ve been known to over-analyze.

My subconscious feeding me lies.

Oh well, I’ll be here if you ever return.

Remembering when we used to burn;

Having conversations that would never end.

Waiting for love, and waiting as a friend.

December 21, 2010

I have one more poem that, looking back, I haven't posted.  So here's that.

Holding Tight

Darling, slide the screen door shut on your way back inside.

Inside the apartment where I am your everything.

Everything makes so much sense with you holding me tight.

Tight shoelaces tied when I run so far after you.

You keep moving farther while I lose sight and stumble.

Stumble and fall behind in the darkness where I call your name.

Your name is a whisper from my lips that means the world.

The world is nothing we couldn’t tackle and beat together.

Together sitting holding tight in the apartment on my last night.

Night time comes with dreams of you, but I am lost.

Lost is my only emotion unless Jade is near.

Near enough to deviate from ever truly knowing you.

12/8/2010


Heh, that's actually pretty cool how I wrote that with the redundancy between the last word and the first word of the next line.  Clever me.

1st Keg Stand and More

These past few weeks have been pretty interesting.  I had my first strip club experience.  We did it in the right fashion.  We suited up and hit up the bar next door.  Then we bounced back and forth between the two and goofed around at both.  Though the night ended awkwardly and we crashed at Jeff's house.  Nico passed out first with his shoes on, so of course I drew on him.  The following week I passed my Security + and celebrated Friday night by going out to a few bars and then back to Flo's apartment.  There I drank until 3 in the morning with those guys and Nico passed out at 9 with his shoes on.  As a result I drew on him again.  That Saturday (this past Saturday) was May's Halloween house party.  I didn't have anything to go as, so I grabbed my snowboard and snow-suited up for the party.  They had a keg and jello-shots that were attached to a doctor jacket.  Needless to say I got smashed.  By the end of the night I performed my first keg-stand and proved an A.D.D. asshole to many people.  Worth it.


Towards my future:  I submitted my certs to Kaplan.  CCNA knocked out two classes with six credits each.  Net + took out a five credit class.  I think Sec + should count towards something, but it doesn't.  A+ would take out another five credit class, but I doubt I'll get it.  At least Net+ and Sec+ are life certs.  I'm at 89/195 credits.  In one year I have taken care of almost half of my education.


Home:  I definitely miss people, but I don't want to go back to Michigan.  I feel like I kinda left that life behind me.


Living after the USMC: I am thinking about Seattle, Chicago, Baltimore, or out of country - Calgary.


One of the best lines a movie can relate to my life and how I've always handled myself: "I decided to never invest too much emotion in one thing. It's always a set-up to the pain of losing them." - Domino


Moving on:  No matter what I do, I just can't get over her.  When the memories of good times come back I try and remember the bad times too.  Then I think about what I'm doing now and how that's going to be so much more helpful to me soon.  It's been really helpful to have Evan and Rob there to keep me in the right place.


Relapse:  I came close to having a college moment flashback.  No matter what I could not get to studying for Security + during the week.  I kept getting distracted by my website, TeeVee shows, movies and Facebook.  I went to Evan and basically flipped out to him explaining that I couldn't concentrate and really needed some motivation.  He told me to grab a coffee, study for an hour, nap and repeat.  As I don't drink coffee I grabbed an energy drink.  It worked perfectly.


Poetry:  It may not be perfect, but whatever.  No clue what I'm going to title it either.

Jade, I know now, you’re problematic.

I realize that you are democratic,

Definitely insane and kind of spastic.

Jade I’m not sure if you’re demonic

But your inspiration is toxic.

I miss the times, though dramatic.

Where life wasn’t quite so erratic.

Relationships so fantastic

Are based on the tectonic

And should never be automatic.

So Jade, let’s be realistic,

You’re can’t be antagonistic.

So let’s change the characteristic.

Guide me to be narcissistic,

And push away the simplistic.

Once a Marine Always a Marine

The Sergeant I have looked up to the longest passed me along with a quote, "Once a Marine, always a Marine.  So why reenlist?"  Funny as hell, but when you look into reasons people don't reenlist it comes down to some of the stupidest things the Marine Corps could fix.  I read this article, and while long it points out better than I could have ever written the ineffective use of Marines.  Myself, I could never reenlist because I fight tooth and nail for what I want from the military and I put forth more effort back into them.  At each rank I wear I am always told I would make a perfect... the next rank higher.  What do I do?  I listen to people, call people out on bullshit, propose better ways of doing things, and pass on as much knowledge I can to the people that will listen.  Yesterday I was told I should reenlist and become a schoolhouse instructor so that I could pass my knowledge of switching and routing down because the classes I was giving were so helpful and full of information.  Yet, I am the one who is not allowed to deploy and redesign networks in Afghanistan.  I am the one being held back from school and certificates.  Fuck that, I'm out.  You won't see me again after March 18, 2012.

For now, Evan and I are pushing forward with the comic.  I have my hands on Illustrator and Photoshop so now I can actually contribute some decent comics.

This past Saturday I had my friend's wife locked my car keys in her car so that I wouldn't be able to drink and drive.  She's in the right, but that doesn't stop my shenanigans.  Instead I almost broke a teevee, I did break an air-zooka, I killed a half a handle of rum, I taught people a new drinking game, I finished a half a case and the rest of the night hasn't been told to me.

Lately I've been burning the candle at both ends with work and my life away from the digital uniform.  5:30 every day for pt (which I don't participate in due to my shoulder surgery), getting of work at 7:30 (on Tuesday), 7:00 (on Wednesday) and finally at 4:30 (today).  I then proceed to stay up until at the very least 11, if not 2.  I think I made up for it two weeks ago when I slept for 17 hours on the weekend.

Nothing Ever Remains

There are some pretty good tributes to Michael out there.  Personally I'd rather hear the covers than him actually sing them, but to each his own.  Billie Jean - The Bates stands alone to be my favorite.  But I was just shown this Beat It cover by Fall Out Boy and John Mayer.  I think it's pretty good too.


Kelsey, Evan and my mutual friend, is in France right now, and every time she posts pictures on Facebook I am immediately envious.  I need to tour Europe.  That and play Pockey again.  Hells yeah.  Snowboarding brings around great drinking games.


Speaking of snowboarding, it looks like I won't be able to this winter unless I keep it really safe.  No jumps, no rails, no cliffs.  I gotta watch out for my shoulder.  Hell just this past Saturday I drank a half a handle of Captain Morgan and jumped some fences.  My shoulder hurt for 24 hours after that.


The comic is progressing forward.  I enjoy uploading each week.  Evan and I get lazy with it sometimes, but then out of nowhere we'll draw up four comics in a week.  It works.


Poetry isn't moving along quickly, it never has for me.  Sometimes the words need to be written down, sometimes they need to be vocalized and told to someone and can't take form in a written sense.  Either way, here's one that I finalized.

Nothing Ever Remains

I tried to follow you with my eyes closed.

Holding you as your arms wrap around

And watching as you spoke my name.

I opened my eyes with anticipation.

I gazed to where you had been standing.

But there was nothing of yours that remained.

The moments that were spent are lost.

The fire behind my eyes is spent.

The renewed hope and vigor is drained.

8/5/2010