Want to excite and impress someone? Try another person. Life is Pandemonium.
Something to read: The Night Angel Trilogy by Brent Weeks. It was awesome. I think in a month I was able to get my hands on all three and read them. In respect, the band (see below) is working on a song. Guess who gets to work the lyrics, this guy.
I leave for Washington D.C. on Thursday. Anticipation is building, anxiety is present and of course my stupidity is there causing Meghan to be upset at me multiple nights in a row. She thinks my actions are my anxiousness, and I can only agree. I am bad at reading my own emotions sometimes. Now is one of them.
Something new I have been working on:
Run
Where do you run with their eyes upon you?
Among the fools, creeps and ghouls.
Soul searching in the dirty streets.
Where do you cry when no one is watching?
Alone in the dark, forgotten by all.
Tears streaming, lost in the corner.
Your screams wake the dead,
Haunt the derelicts of dawn.
Crawling through the blood
Of those fallen around you.
How can you laugh in the face of danger?
Steady with determination and confidence.
Leading all others with courage.
How can you crush anxiety and despair?
Inspiring love and instilling esteem.
Head held high, standing on the forefront.
08/30/2009
Hope you enjoy.
The Band: A group of guys from work, Jeff Dobbins (drummer), Daryl DesPault(guitarist), Tyler Elliott (guitarist) started a band, Fear of Knowing, and have been working to create a good metal sound. They asked that I play a little keyboard for them and I have indulged. The looks have a bassist on the way. The sound is pretty good.
Life can be pandemonium and today has me looking to the past to settle me. I took an hour break in the day to look at old photos. Times where I did stupider things and upset more girls. These must be super powers in my arsenal.
Do something cool, solve a rubix cube and every night leave it scrambled for the next day. Life is pandemonium.
I don't have much for the moment, but that seems to happen to me often. Regardless I'll post what I do have.
Hott: This may be the hottest sex scene in a movie (that I can recall). Is it just me or do the characters in this movie always have wet hair?
Poetry:
In That Moment
Determined to have you I would not stray
Like so many others who give up in trial.
Crushed dreams and broken heart could not deter
Me from the calling and belonging to you.
The ball and chain of my life is heavy
A burden, the loneliness, from which I yearn to be free.
Cradling your head in my lap is a dream,
A moment I long to achieve.
Simple thoughts trouble and confuse me.
Creative images I drift off to
Leave me alone in the morning,
Rolling over and clutching only air.
Desperation isn’t my best cologne.
Crying isn’t the smile you want to see.
Confidence is what I want to have.
To have and to hold is what I want.
To care and to love is what I need.
The girl that is you, to be with me.
08/08/2009
It probably needs a little revision. I feel that some parts of it don't make perfect sense or flow properly, but oh well.
Thought: If I were ever to be recorded having sex I wish it wouldn't be gross or pron like. I would prefer it to be more like Underworld.
Yep, that's it.
Duct tape is the fix it for it all, but if I wrap my life in duct tape I think I'd just be isolated that much more. Weird.
Stress: I think I have two stressed out modes
1. I flip out and can't handle anything and everything just seems to be going wrong.
2. I appear to be fine, but deep down I'm messed up. There is a lot on my plate and I can't handle it, but as far as anyone is concerned I'm fine.
The latter. I think that's me right now. Stressed out and no one knows. Not that that is a bad thing. I'm not sure I want people knowing, but that doesn't mean it isn't stressful. I guess that's why I'm mentioning it now. My brother's wedding is coming up and for the past few months I've been doing everything I could to save money. Then I had a couple of visits: Meghan, followed by Evan and Rob, and I may have spent too much. And for the past two weeks I've been playing the counting game (well it costs this much for this, I need to buy this, I need to pay for this and I'm only going to have this amount coming to me on the 15th). Fuck. I literally spaced out for a half hour at work on Friday and contemplated how I was going to be financially.
Funny things: Apparently I caught the sun really well with my chevrons on my uniform on Friday and a kid I know saluted me because he thought I was an officer. Ha. We both got a good laugh as soon as he got closer and recognized me.
Hope: This fall is exciting. First, Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. Second, Assassin's Creed II. As for Halo. I think I'm done. Maybe Reach, but as for ODST... umm, I pass. It looks too much like a game for a thirteen year old. Perhaps all the Halos looked like that. Regardless, I'm not thirteen anymore. Third, Splinter Cell. I've been wanting to play another Splinter Cell for a long time. I really hope you can be as stealth as before. If this comes out... I may need to buy a steering wheel and foot pedal set.
Lookout Now: Call of Duty clan. Bryan McAdams, Ryan Miller, Rob Keith, Evan Feringa, some more names here, and I are working up our DEAD clan. I'm hoping we can start playing some gamebattles games soon.
Writing: My last bits of writing have seriously been a four liner and a two liner. The two liner I think I have more, yeah, but it isn't written. I fail.
That's all for now. Don't make a left at Albuquerque unless you are heading West and want to go south.
Two for now. First one was drawn after watching Clerks II and during the Red Wings game. Second one was drawn just now.
That's all I really have for right now. I'm sick and tired and this week has just been wearing me out. Oh yeah, and my Xbox decided that it didn't love me anymore and decided to red ring. Dealing with that currently.
So here I am in the bathroom. I turn on the water to the sink, and it feels like my phone vibrates in my pocket, so I reach in and pull the cellular device out. "Oh no," says my mind as I lose control and my one-year-old LG Chocolate v2 falls into the sink which has accumulated a decent amount of water. The phone begins vibrating immediately and stops all other functions. I remove the battery. Anytime I replace the battery it refuses to turn the phone on, but continues vibrating violently. Fuck. I go to the Verizon store. No insurance so I have to pay out of pocket for a new one. "Time for one of dem fancy touch screen phones," I say. Straight up, not going to lie. This phone is pretty badass. Thank you LG for continuing to make awesome phones. The Versa is exactly what I needed to upgrade to.
So that being said, let's move on. Meghan is coming to visit. I'm kinda nervous about that one. Last time we were around each other it was a little awkward. We didn't know how to act, how far to go and ended up just acting couple-y anyway. This should be different, but I'm still unsure about how it will actually go down.
Time for some poem input? Sure, why not. This one is digging back almost six months ago.
What She Says
“Don’t look at me like that,” she said,
“I feel so horrible and guilty.
Lost and trapped, scared and insecure.
Forgive me please, I can’t forget the nights.”
“It’s not your fault,” she says,
“But I can’t be with you.
Believe me I want to be yours.
I fight from calling you ‘baby.’
I struggle each day, not saying ‘you’re mine.’ ”
She cries in the night when she thinks I’m asleep
Her smile is a lie, when she says that she’s happy.
With a tear in her eye, she tells me she loves me.
“You’re the one for me,” she whispers to me.
“Maybe someday, years from now, it’ll work.
I don’t want to lose you; can we be friends?”
And on that day I fell to pieces,
A jigsaw pattern across the floor.
I’ll never be the same, put back together.
I’ll remain missing, behind my walls.
05/11/2009
In other news, my alcohol tolerance is going up. I drank an entire bottle of red wine last night. It was delicious and inexpensive. Definitely worth it.
Wanna Run with Scissors?
Well, that's about all I have for now. Wish this was a little more witty and fun, but ya-know, some things just don't work out how you plan. Enjoy the rest of May. I know I will, Veinte y dos on the 29th.
Ever since returning from Iraq I haven't found the need to blog. I return now to throw a few things out there so that, well so that they're in writing.
I'm back to playing video games at a good amount. That and drinking. Which are both probably in the "too much category", but when you're as bored as me than you must be boring and who would want to hang out with that. Exactly. To improve my gaming experience I've made some upgrades. I purchased a 32" LCD tv and a 1000 watt surround sound. Of course I didn't get it how I wanted it precisely, but oh well, close enough. Do I need the DVD player in my surround sound? No, yet I bought that one for some reason. Does my surround sound work when connected to my xbox? No, I still need to get a fiber cable to connect the two so that my back speakers will work. "The answer to today's over abundance of technology isn't fewer useless gadgets. It's more useless features and fewer usable gadgets." - Sarge (Red vs. Blue).
My writing has been steady... nothing good, just little lines here and there. Although my biggest problem with my writing is that I never go back and revise it. Almost everything I've ever written is a first draft, AKA could be better. I like my writing as a first draft, but I always intend to go back and rework it. I fail at this aspect.
Drawing? Nothing. It's like my artist side has just fallen off the map.
Drink of choice: Right now I could go for a captain and coke, that's what I had last night and I could really go for another one.
Everything else is meh. I just feel like cranking some Alkaline Trio, Motion City Sound Track, Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins and ignoring the world. Fuck It, I Just Might.
Dueces.
***HEADS UP***
This Blog will be Detailing Emotions for a girl. If you don't want to read that, then only read the first and last paragraphs.
***HEADS UP***
Sometimes it just takes some time being away from something to notice how much you liked it, or really care for it. This time being home there was the least of nagging from my parents and the best of decisions. I can't live with them anymore. There would be no way in which I would enjoy that, but visiting. I can do visiting now. They have realized that I am a man and make my own decisions. It seems they see how mature I have become and leave me alone. Coming home this time has really opened my eyes to how accommodating my parents can really be. "Matt, we have a car for you to use when you get here... Matt we arranged to have dinner at such and such... Matt you should go see your friends and your time spending with them sounds really fun." That's something that I'm just not used to. I have to actually say, "Wow, I love my parents." It sucked growing up with them, but now that I'm not living under them and under their rules it has been much easier to be in their presence.
Being away from Meghan: Seven months is a long time away from a particular being that you really love and care about. Coming back to Michigan I was really unsure about what to expect. Part of me thought we were just going to get back together upon seeing each other. But the way that we have been acting, and the way we've been talking has just made sense. We aren't devoting ourselves to the other person. Not that we're dating now, but I'd say we definitely are in a category of more than friends. For sure "best friends." And yes, I have three best friends under the "best friends" category. She's leaving a door open with the possibility of a "get back together" and I think deep down we both want that to happen. However, for the mean time it seems best to become independent of each other. It's healthy.
Being away from her and severing that "Dating" label has really made me dig to find what I want. I have found that I really do care for her, and I really do want things to work out between us. But without her I have found that: I spent an unhealthy amount of time on the phone with her; I texted her too often about things I thought were important; I didn't use my other friends enough; I monopolized time at home with time with her.
Song of the Moment: Playground Love - Air
Sexual Tension: This doesn't have to be just about sex. I'm talking about the kissing too. Very interesting stuff. In this aspect people are hard to read. Thank god for girls who make the first move and know what they want, otherwise I'd be lost in the sauce. How would I have known kissing was acceptable? oh she kissed me, okay.
*Making out and feeling up boobs are a hand-in-hand concept for me. Lately, it is more of a per-request: you move my hand if you want it.
Unhealthy in a Relationship: calling so often that if one person doesn't get a call they are offended. calling so often that you feel you should call just to make sure the other person hears your voice. dropping hanging out with "real" people to talk over the phone.
-If I have a shitty day, I can handle it. I should not of bitched to my significant other.
-If I want to do something, I should make that decision. I should not look for approval in everything I do.
The good thing is that Megan and I both see the problems that happened, and we see the potential for them to arise again. We are both sensible adults and want to make the best decision.
Kissing: I love kissing. Making out is awesome.
Frustrating for me: I seriously still love this girl and I don't want to make a move towards anyone else. I'm sure if I was somewhere I could kiss another girl, but I doubt that I would allow myself to take it any further. Not that that is wrong, but I'm a twenty-one year old boy, shouldn't I be sexing everything in site? If she were to go to a graduate school on the east coast, I'm positive that a long distance relationship is not in the mix. Probability of me deploying again? 100% and I'm not sure that long distance relationship is likely. Believe me I want to make the relationship work, but it just seems that logically there is such a slim chance that it would happen. The way we've been talking about it seems like it would only happen if she went to grad school in Monterey, California. Ouch for me.
I've had some more reviews of my poetry and I'm starting to get really excited for the possibilities of more people reading it. It's a good emotional and stress release for me, but I'm never sure how other people are going to take it. Not guaranteed, but my brother told me I should send a few to the lead singer of his band and see if it doesn't get made into a song. I've never been to secure of my poetry. Who knows what will happen, but I'm open for any possibility.
